well then i havent written in this thing because obviously i died for a while but now im back and suffering in life as usual! well i still work at the smoke shop... uhhh... i dunno theres too much thats been going on... uhh... i love my boyfriend he is the best thing ever! hes asian?! joolz mom's cat died HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA thats funny id put him in the freezer and wait for a guy to come over and ask if he could have some ice to rub on his nipples because its ohsohott in my living room and he'd go for it and find poor matsey in the ice box and id stab him because hed call me a freak... uhh... well i got more peircings? and tattoos? oohgahh... im fat and short and ugly YAYYY! well then i suppose its time to sighn off so i can check back later and see that you guys care as much about this thing as me! witch is about as much as... nothing... oh yeah eryn demented got cancelled because of stupid gay face punkers.
  • Current Music
    zombie ghost train

to eryn

first off, i dont appriciate you telling me that im acting stupid when im just stating my feelings in my journal. second of all why am i complaining and why do i care? because me and my closest friends never fucking hang out or do anything fun. what is the difference of asking my mom for hair dye then spanging off of other people and taking their money for hair dye? i want the hair dye so i CAN get a job. sorry if i seem selfish for asking my mom for a favor. i DO know how much it sucks to go to school all day. i WANT to go back to full 8 hour days but right now that is absolutley IMPOSSIBLE, and its no one's fault but mine. sorry that i never grew up as fast as you did and never had as many responsibilities as you did. (such as a job, a car to pay for, school and family all at once). i never said ANY OF YOU were never punk rock enough for me EVER. who the fuck ever said however punk rock you guys were id never think you were punk rock enough for me? tell me that. who the fuck EVER said that i said that any of you dont wear enough pins or patches to meet my punk fucking rock standars? huh? i dont care how you fucking dress, i dont care if you dont want to dress like me, i dont care. im not telling you to conform to be me, when did i say these things because i dont remember it. i never said you had to go to a certain amount of fucking shows. i never said you had to drink a certain amount of booze. i never said you had to smoke a certaion amount of pot. i never said you had to smoke a certain amount of cigarettes. when do i say NEVER conform to society, ANY society? when did i say YOUR NOT PUNK because you dont live on the streets? when did i say your not punk enough if you dont spange or eat out of trash cans? so, "fuckin' live life man" however you fucking want to because i never told ANY OF YOU how to do that. i know your not fucking stupid people and i know you can think for your selfs. i dont even know what "unruly punk ways into conformity" your talking about. your the fuckin same to me. eryn, your the one who said that, and it seems to me that your the only one who HASNT changed (not that thats a bad thing) i just think (know) you grew up a long time ago and before any of us (being our group) did. i NEVER said i was going to spange the rest of my life because i was making some kind of "statment" im NOT making a statment. i dont need to because i dont give a fuck about what other people think (exception being my friends, thats why im replying to you). i know you have allot going for you and i know your not going to blow it. thats just the kind of person you are. but you worked for it and thats cool. call me childish but untill recently i havent been ready to work for it. i know i always talk about what i want and what im gonna do, but isnt that what you do when your a teenager? just fuck around? i know i can graduate on time. i havent gotten less then a b since i first enrolled in horizons, even when i dropped out i have never gotten anything lower then a b and im not fucking proud of it or anything, that is what is EXPECTED of me. i NEVER said having a mohawk is what makes me punk rock. i could give a fuck less if i had farrah fucking fawcet hair. and telling me to grow it out and dye it? well its already so long you cant even notice if its down and yeah dying it- thats why ive been asking my mom for hair dye. see, your so mature your already talking about when we have kids and how were gonna raise them and what were gonna raise them on. what am i supposed ot say to that? i dont even know if i really want kids! am i always going to live as punk as i am? yes. yes i am. this is who i am. this hair color, these pins and patches, these fucking boots? they mean nothing. but this is who i am. this attitude that your reading this is who i am. if i have to work at mcdonalds like you say i could get stuck doing, will that even fuckign matter? would me, working at mcdonalds make me a fucking loser? would it make me less of a person for not working for some multi-millionaire corporation? am i going to be punk and stuck in the same place forever? well i dont feel like im stuck. maybe i am, but i havent realised it. maybe thats something no one needs to tell me, but something i need to find out on my own. have i ever thought of not being punk? losing all the pins patches etc. thats such a generic question. thats like asking a trendie person if they ever thougth about going punk. its like, well, why would i stop if i feel comfertable? why would i stop if i like it? why would i stop if this is who i am? but does it really fucking matter what anyone wears? i could give a fuck less about if the social norm was to have metal bars through your face, be inked up or if everyone had a fucking mohawk. if everyone looked like that then id probably find something different. just the way it is right now. why? i dont know. (p.s. "losing" the stuff? well didnt you see me before all this? i have pictures if you really want me to justify it, or so to say. but i think im still the same person) anyway, im just running myself in a circle with this one. and i belive there is more then three places i could work "looking like this." and i think youd be surprised at how well i "clean up." yeah sure i tell you how i want to leave, so what? doesnt everyone say how much they want to leave no matter where they are? maybe im mistaken but i think ive heard you talk abotu running away before. no money, no car, no id, no nothing. i know that. but im not planning to leave today, right now. let me go at my own pace. you care way too much to let me drink beer all day and get stoned all day? shit i dont even know what to dsay to that. that shit was such a phase. yes i used to fucking snort white shit up my nose. yes i used to chug beers and vodka any chance i got. yes i loved clearing bowls any fucking time. but, you know me, or i think you do. i just dont do it that often. but yes, i still do it sometimes. im not going to cover that up. its not like its some horrible thing that i need to hide form you or anyone else. yes i smoked pot yesterday. yes i got drunk today. why? because its fun. is it stupid? yes, of course it is. but its fun. if it wasnt, i wouldnt do it. if thats not a good enough answer, im sorry but thats all i have to offer. you say you wish there is something you could say or do to help me, but there isnt. you know that. you know that the only person that can help theirself, is in fact theirself. (with the exception of asking someone to help them get help). yeah- im gonna be 18 soon. no- i dont know exactly what im going to do. im not going to make some snap decision. im just not that kind of person. i just take life as it comes, and somehow it never gets to some horrible life or death situation. something will happen and yes ill be alright. if not then will you write my eulogy? i know that my art is good. to people like you and me. but to other people its fucking shit. i dont really see a future in me being a proffessional artist. i know how that is. my dad has all kinds of friends like that barley getting by. i mean if i could barley get by on just doing what i love, id go for it! but i cant do things on a deadline, no one can tell me to "paint a pretty picture exactly how i want it to be," because if they did, i would start to hate what i fucking love, and i wont let people do that to me no matter if it brings me millions of dollars or a few pennies. im glad you have a future all planned out in ohio for you. thanks for the offer but i cant go. your a great friend but i wouldnt wanna cramp your style. one last thing. what you wrote hurt my feelings and it sounds like your making me out to be a bad person and you coated it over with sugar by saying how much you love me and all that. i mean i know you do and i know you care about me, and i care about you too, but i know you dont need help and all that. i just dont want you to get upset by me being upset about your letter. feelings said, thats my night.
  • Current Music
    the misfits : where eagles dare

ey ey

sos im making this shit friends fucking only because some people are fucking creepy old wierdos... really, who wnats to jack off while reading about my boring life?... ill tyell you about all the cool X rated lame ness in the new friends only cool cool crazy inside edition jewel is cool only craop ness qGEBWERFG IN RAIN

yeah sometimes in the rain on christmas

yeah so my sister pissed me off today so i kept calling her "christmas wrecker" till she almost cried witch made my holiday like 100 times better. julia came over after all the craziness of opening gifts. we hung out here then went to my moms then came back and watched half the first season of aquateen hunger force. then she got sick and went home so now i am just fucking around with some shit. julia soooo got me the le tigre cd and i loved her with my entire manhood for it. we just sat around drinking for a while i guess. my sister got me the coolest gift of my life. that handy stitch mini sewer. its god. eryn got me a pwitty journal and a cool book and a painting i asked for yay me. la la la. britney spears is on SNL and i kind of want to barf.


one day me haila julia and kristina went to the kalidascope and took many pitchaz and then went and saw elf and that was kina funny.

wednesday was haila's b day and we ate sushi and hung out with josh and julia then brian riggs and we jammed in teh studio then went to krickorean and ate food and stupid shit at the store then me and haila saw love actually witch was pretty cool.

thursday was thanksgiving and it was fuckin boring and i had to put my hawk under a bandana.

friday me haila staci and eryn went to corona to pay eryn's ticket but the courthouse was closed so we went to some thrift store and i got a black skirt and a black dickies dress and haila got a black skirt. then we went to electric chair in costa mesa and i got my boots and it came out to be like 180$. black steel toed gripfast 14 holed boots WITH toe seam. yay me. then we went to the mission viejo mall and it took forever to get a fucking parking spot and i got a corset at victorias secret for fuckin 80$ but its uber hott. then me and haila went and got vodka for everybody then she gave this guy 10 bucks ot drive us to the spec. me haila victoria and dax were drunk as hell, armine shane and devin were buzzed and devin was stoned. so we all had way fun. i also met kyle and kevin that night and i was like yay.

saterday me haila and sumako went to the spectrum and kyle kevin jimmy devin jesska christine these two crazy chicks these two dudes and dax and a few other people were there. vic had a hang over so her and armiene didnt go or so i was told. so anyhow we all drank the usual vodka and i smoked pot with some chicks and devin. dax left early. i was uber fucked up. yeah... crazy shit.

today i did a bunch of laundry at my moms house. i found my undeez and my 80's sweater SCORE! i also filled my nailas and ate del. hailas fatass made it over... we hung out and fucked with my sister witch was fun. my mom was very fucking drunk. that was funny as hell. she busted us smoking ciggs witch was comical. she knows i smoked out with ym dad. creeee peeee. i just need speakers for my stupid record player now yay me. haila gave me this cool book called salad days about this punker kid its pretty badass. my sister is fucking pshycotc. books are god. so is brian eno. i thought julia died the other day but it was just a false alarm.


i wish i had nightmares. its a nice day for a ressurection.

uhm a poem

havent written one in a while. you'll see i had a little problem. tell me if you think its good or bad or medium. i know eryn will preassure me into reading this on poetry night.

my life is a song
tuning your guitar
you twist the tuner
every pluck tightens the cord around my neck
and i open my mouth to draw in a breath
with every note i sing its harder to gasp
finally when your strumming
im fighting to spit out words
slamming the strings untill
the words wont fall out anymore
smash your fucking guitar
as i drop the mic